9/16 emotional

9/16:
just because

i cannot even describe how emotional i have been lately, at the risk of sounding emo. any little thing that upsets me has been making me cry. and thus, i have been crying a LOT- as in, almost every night and at some point during the day. and a lot of times i've been able to make myself believe that i'm bigger than whatever i'm going through. so it's not actually crying, it's just holding in tears while your nose gets tingly and your eyes water but don't drip. i just want to scream. all the time. seriously.
i hate that so much pressure is being put on me and all of the seniors to get into a good college. i know i'm going to feel like crap when/if i don't get into stanford and berkeley. i know i'll be happy at any of the five-ish colleges i'm going to apply to, but i fear failure, because of what it will bring me.
things with my boyfriend are just okay. he's at cal poly and is very very stressed about the start of school. and it's tough, because he tends to become very keep-to-himself when he's stressed or overwhelmed. and while i need someone to lean on, to be my escape from the real world of college and schol and parents, he just needs to be alone. and it sucks. and i'm worried about us. because i don't know how we're going to live with being so many hours apart next year when i'm at college. because i'm NOT staying in slo. i'm just not.
my parents have been getting on my back about every little thing. they seriously just do not know what is going on in my life. like i said indirectly in a blog a while ago, i came home from a tennis match that emily and i had won (as had our team), and i'm in my room and my mom comes in and says 'if your room ever looks like this again, you will not be able to hang out with josh' 'ok' 'seriously, don't even ask to hang out with him if it looks like this' 'i heard you' .... 'so, how'd your tennis team do?' . right. because that's less important than 'your room is soooo messy, what are you thinking?' it's just so annoying that their priorities are so skewed. i mean, i'm exploding here. i need an outlet, but, no. i need to clean my room first.
just lame. i don't know. they say they're doing so much for me. but what they need to do is: nothing. i would be so happy if they just stopped being concerned with my life and everything in it. if they just let me live and work and didn't yell and let me hang out with the people i needed to be with to stay sane and didn't question my decisions. life isn't perfect right now, but please don't make it worse. please don't TRY to make it worse.
this isn't for sympathy. don't say 'i'm so sorry jackie'. i know you are. i know you wish things weren't tough for me, for all of us. but i just want to get it out. because i hate keeping everything bottled up inside. i need to tell people what's on my mind. this is me doing that. for all five of you. here i am.